Wednesday, July 23, 2008

"Trust Him to be there just when you need Him. He has walked His own long path, and He has the scars to prove it." ~Gregory L. Jantz, Ph. D.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Forever Failure

Right now I feel emotional. I feel like I could start crying at any moment and I feel as though once I begin, I fear I won't be able to stop. I can't explain it. There's no real reason least none that I am conscience of presently. I know my body is full though - I wasn't really hungry when I first began eating.

Right now I feel like having a cigarette or sleeping. It is a habit or am I stuffing my feelings with a different vice now? I've overeaten today - perhaps I'm feeling guilty and disappointed in myself. Perhaps I don't believe I can really overcome this eating disorder?

To be honest, I'm expecting myself to fail because that's what I've always done or I wouldn't be here. Do I lack will power? Am I being defiant to my own self? Is it easier to be a victim to something and get compassion from others than to be healed and whole? 

I believe I am a failure. I fail at getting my husband to sexually want me. I fail at being successful with Tastefully Simple. I fail at diets. I fail at controlling my feelings and emotions. At beating/controlling my self-hatred and depression. I fail at bearing children. See, I am a failure - I have the evidence. These expectations keep me in bondage. If I expect to be a failure - can I be anything else? I've always felt this way. It's comforting in it's own strange, twisted and demented way.

There's a child sitting and hugging her knees, crying calling herself fat, ugly and a failure. Rolling the movie forward...she gets pissed. She stands up, wipes the tears and rolls up her sleeves. She's now a grown woman. She's sick of feeling this way, of always struggling and never finding happiness. She's ready to fight, but thinks in the back of her mind and sees ahead, that she'll be here again...failing, depressed and crying. Feeling alone and helpless. 

Will I ever be in control of me?