In meeting with this new realization surrounding 27 going on 17, I can't help but wonder if I've been operating out of the 17 year old in my relationship with food.
It was at 16 that I was at my all-time worse - suicidal and deeply depressed. The ultimate feeling of being alone - my friends hated me, my family didn't understand me and the love of my life had just left me for another. The food helped to numb me. The weight really started to pack on when I attended college and the food multiplied into alcohol - the two together were the perfect mixture of "medication", especially when man after man would reject me, even after I had given more of myself to them than I am proud to admit to today.
Before having my daughter, Isabel, I lost 20 lbs and it surprisingly was pretty easy to do, with the help of Weight Watchers Online. After Isabel everything changed...I came last. (Did I ever TRULY come first???) Alcohol was no longer an option, as being a born-again Christian helped me make the decision...but also, my body just doesn't agree with alcohol like it used to and I can't find the night of fun worth the days following of recovery. So what was my companion...food.
Being a stay-at-home mom is much harder than I ever thought. I love my daughter more than anything on this planet (besides my hubby, but it's a different kind of love), but new responsibilities and new meanings of "death of self" came with it. Being cooped up in a house with nothing much to do and rare adult interaction was a dangerous concoction for a person fighting depression, who processes things out-loud by discussing with others and is deemed as a "social butterfly". Food. My companion, my friend, my drug of choice. All attempts at losing weight failed and so came the feelings of being a failure. I was so confused...why was it so much easier to lose the weight before Izzy? And every time I put on my new seasonal clothing, I am reminded of my being a failure, since most of my wardrobe is too tight to wear.
I still feel I have more work to do in this area of my life, but I am slowly getting the answers. My current process is...how much of this 17 year old mentality is rubbing off on my relationship with food? Is the self-control harder now, because I don't want to be "left out" of experiencing the food that so many others can do with no outward appearance consequences?
