Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Runners, I Need You

I don't even know where to begin or if the words for this post will come, so I guess I'll just keep typing and see what comes out.

I know I've been MIA again. There's really no other excuse besides the fact that I've been completely overtaken by guilt and shame. It's like my baby popped out and suddenly all my healthy habits popped out with her. The sugar cravings instantly returned & I found myself quickly back to being a sugar addict. And despite my best attempts to go back to my healthy eating ways, I seem to keep failing. My newest attempt: an accountability partner.

I'm since learning that everything in my body is hormonally related - endometriosis, PCOS, sugar cravings, insulin resistance, etc - it's all related to the hormones produced (or not produced) within my body. So, the sugar cravings that I swear were instantaneous after giving birth, are not "mind over matter". They are real and they are physiological. When I'm pregnant, all of my hormones even themselves out and the cravings disappear, along with all my ailments. When I'm not pregnant, it all comes crashing back. Hard and Fast.

Surprisingly, my activity level efforts did not fall by the wayside. To say I enjoyed working out would be a lie. I hated it. I hated working hard. But, when I rediscovered running right before getting pregnant with Adelyn, I rediscovered a passion. Something I truly loved. Something I truly looked forward to. Running. My perspective changed and I decided I would never do a "workout" or "exercise" again that I did not enjoy. All was going well, despite my eating not matching up with my activity levels. I say activity, because the words "workout" and "exercise" make me cringe. I don't wanna workout. I don't want to exercise. But, go for a run? Sign me up!

I was so happily surprised to not be experiencing Postpartum Depression with this baby. With my first, I had it something terrible and needed to be medicated. With this one, aside from the Baby Blues the first week, and a few sad days when breastfeeding wasn't working, I had nothing! Until this week. It's been so terrible that at times, all I can do is sit on the couch and cry while feeding my baby. I don't wanna get dressed. I don't wanna eat. I don't wanna do anything. Rest assured, I'm under my Kinesiologist's supervision and I'm on a progesterone cream and will also be adding in 5-HTP this week. If these don't work, I'll be calling my OBGYN to be put back on Lexapro.

But, I realized tonight that I don't think this depression is completely only being caused by postpartum. See, I ran in my 5K at the end of October. But, after the run, my right knee (that was bothering me during training) was killing me. And that wasn't the only thing... my left knee now hurt too, and so did my right ankle. I sought out my Kinesiologist and his words were, "You should not be running." He explained that some people were meant to run and others weren't. I, apparently, wasn't made to run. I was devastated and crushed so I sought out a second opinion. My chiropractor took a look at my shoes and explained to me that I'm running wrong. I'm landing on my heel and running on the outside of my foot and pushing off with my pinky toe. That will do some damage. I was told that if I continued to run this way, I'll need a knee replacement by the time I'm 50. (My OBGYN also told me I'll need a full hysterectomy by the time I'm 50. Fifty isn't looking too good for me.) They took a scan of my feet and confirmed that my feet are not supporting my body like they should and my arches are completely gone (once they're gone, you can't get them back). They recommended inserts for my shoes to help support my body and not continue to damage my feet further.

So, here I am. My passion for running, ripped away before my very eyes. My eyes are welling with tears as I write this. See, this issue runs deeper for me. It's not necessarily about the running. It's about my body. My piece of shit body. How many times has my body failed me? Endometriosis. PCOS. Infertility. Miscarriages. Gestational Diabetes. Now we can add "Inability to Run" to the list. This is about the body I was given. This about my dreams and desires in my heart to do what is right and good. And about the inability to be able to achieve those things because of this body. 

So, though it's the eve of Thanksgiving and I should be counting my blessings, instead I'm writing a "Debbie-downer, poor me, pity party" post. And I'm going to allow myself to do that. Sometimes, you gotta get it out. 

So, with tears streaming down my face, I'm asking for advice: to all my seasoned runner friends - help me. Is there anything I can do to be able to run again?