WARNING: THIS POST IS SOMEWHAT GRAPHIC
I thought I lost the baby before but I didn’t. This morning I lost a large solid mass and there was blood everywhere – on my clothes, my hands, the bathroom floor, sink, etc. I didn’t stop bleeding for 2.5 hours (filling a pad literally every 5 minutes) and I was in one of the worst pains I’ve ever been in – physically and emotionally. I cried straight through the whole 2.5 hours until I finally feel asleep from utter exhaustion. This is by far one of the most graphic and traumatic experiences of my life. I’m not up for celebrating my birthday much.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
It's Finished
I passed Haven on my own today. Ben fished him/her out of the water and put him/her in a plastic bag to keep until Monday when I can bring him/her to the clinic so they can run some tests. Haven is now in a safe place with the Lord. Perfect.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
The Replacements
Another wise quote from my friend Kristin...
"And yes, you have Izzy, but that doesn't take away the pain that you don't have Bubble Toes or Zoe. What people don't understand is that one child cannot ever replace one you lost. It's not like having one means that it's okay to lose others."
I've heard how lucky I should be that I have Izzy and that everything went well with the pregnancy, labor and whatnot. To be honest, I want to slap those people. I DO love my Izzy and I AM grateful to have her. But, like I said. I HAVE 3 CHILDREN!!! There are NO replacements for Zoe or Haven. A child is a child. I know people have good intentions, but do they THINK before they speak? Really? Again, is that supposed to bring me comfort? It doesn't. I'm in pain - emotionally, mentally, spiritually and eventually physically. Instead of providing me with well-intended words that actually hurt - provide me with an ear and a shoulder. Let me cry. You don't have to say anything. You don't have to understand. You only need to be there. You only need to care. You only need to acknowledge my three children. You only need to let it be what it is.
And as for God. I don't blame Him. He didn't take Zoe or Haven from me. I know that in my heart of hearts. I DO have questions for Him when I get to heaven, though. The biggest one being...You can't intervene unless asked, Lord. But, I asked. Others asked. LOTS were praying and believing that this time would be different. Medical intervention happened to support it. My body failed me, yes, as it has before. But You could've intervened and You could've healed me. YOU have that power! So, why didn't you? My faith is not gone, I still love God with all my heart and follow Him to the death. But, do I trust Him? My trust is shaken.
"And yes, you have Izzy, but that doesn't take away the pain that you don't have Bubble Toes or Zoe. What people don't understand is that one child cannot ever replace one you lost. It's not like having one means that it's okay to lose others."
I've heard how lucky I should be that I have Izzy and that everything went well with the pregnancy, labor and whatnot. To be honest, I want to slap those people. I DO love my Izzy and I AM grateful to have her. But, like I said. I HAVE 3 CHILDREN!!! There are NO replacements for Zoe or Haven. A child is a child. I know people have good intentions, but do they THINK before they speak? Really? Again, is that supposed to bring me comfort? It doesn't. I'm in pain - emotionally, mentally, spiritually and eventually physically. Instead of providing me with well-intended words that actually hurt - provide me with an ear and a shoulder. Let me cry. You don't have to say anything. You don't have to understand. You only need to be there. You only need to care. You only need to acknowledge my three children. You only need to let it be what it is.
And as for God. I don't blame Him. He didn't take Zoe or Haven from me. I know that in my heart of hearts. I DO have questions for Him when I get to heaven, though. The biggest one being...You can't intervene unless asked, Lord. But, I asked. Others asked. LOTS were praying and believing that this time would be different. Medical intervention happened to support it. My body failed me, yes, as it has before. But You could've intervened and You could've healed me. YOU have that power! So, why didn't you? My faith is not gone, I still love God with all my heart and follow Him to the death. But, do I trust Him? My trust is shaken.
Baby Bubble Toes Aka...
Just as we did with Zoe (our first miscarriage), we decided to name this baby. I am NOT okay with just going on with my life and pretending like nothing happened. I have been pregnant three times in my life. I've had 3 children. And that is how it is. Do you know anyone who would have a child and NOT name it? So, with careful consideration, Ben and I collectively decided on the name: HAVEN. It means: haven; safe place. The verse that was given to me while I was pregnant was John 10:10 which stated that the devil comes to kill, steal and destroy, but God came to give us life. Therefore, we've named the baby Haven, because he/she is now in a safe place with God. The devil can NOT steal or destroy this baby - God has it in His care!!!
Easter
Well, we skipped the Good Friday service. From the last few years of attending Woodland Hills, they do a good job of making the day very real for you. And what I remember of myself, I usually get pretty emotional. I couldn't handle it. I had to skip. Then, I got a wonderful email from a friend who made it feel so much better! I asked her if I could share it with you and she said it was okay, so here it is:
"Nick and I were just talking about how Easter is bittersweet as last year we had lost the baby on Tuesday and easter was that following Sunday...I just remember thinking how I understood a tiny bit of what Mary must have felt to be so completely out of control and watch her son be brutally murdered and taken away right in front of her--how mad she must have been at God and how confused."
This brought me so much comfort in knowing MARY knows how I feel. You feel so alone and to know that MARY of all people, gets it, I mean really gets it...ah, what a comforting sigh of relief. Thank you for sharing this with me Kristin!
So, we made it to Easter today and while I'm still fighting being happy one minute and bitchy/crying the next, I made it through the service. And I enjoyed watching Isabel find her Easter basket from mom and dad (we are NOT telling her there's an Easter bunny!) and going straight for the chocolate! She is her mother's daughter! :) I didn't even care that the chocolate drool when straight down her chin all over her pretty pink dress and white sweater. And how much fun it was to hide the eggs and have her find them and give a surprised look when we opened them up and found...more candy!!! Yes, it was a fun Easter.
But, now back to reality. The baby still has not passed. I fear a D&C.
"Nick and I were just talking about how Easter is bittersweet as last year we had lost the baby on Tuesday and easter was that following Sunday...I just remember thinking how I understood a tiny bit of what Mary must have felt to be so completely out of control and watch her son be brutally murdered and taken away right in front of her--how mad she must have been at God and how confused."
This brought me so much comfort in knowing MARY knows how I feel. You feel so alone and to know that MARY of all people, gets it, I mean really gets it...ah, what a comforting sigh of relief. Thank you for sharing this with me Kristin!
So, we made it to Easter today and while I'm still fighting being happy one minute and bitchy/crying the next, I made it through the service. And I enjoyed watching Isabel find her Easter basket from mom and dad (we are NOT telling her there's an Easter bunny!) and going straight for the chocolate! She is her mother's daughter! :) I didn't even care that the chocolate drool when straight down her chin all over her pretty pink dress and white sweater. And how much fun it was to hide the eggs and have her find them and give a surprised look when we opened them up and found...more candy!!! Yes, it was a fun Easter.
But, now back to reality. The baby still has not passed. I fear a D&C.
Healing Power
Since knowing the Lord, He's sent many song to minister to me. In the most difficult times of my life, He's sent songs with healing power. And in this time, they are yet again, ministering and healing my broken heart. Here are their lyrics...
"Deliver Me" By: David Crowder Band
Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me
CHORUS:
All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through
Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, deliver me
Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through
"This Road" By: Ginny Owens
A million miles away from anything familiar
a thousand places I would rather be
so I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
in my heart I know your plan is so much bigger
but this small part is all that I can see
and I believe you haven’t left me here to wander
still I can't help but ponder where you're leading me
(chorus)
and I ask why this road
why this way
and this load
tell me how far must I go till I see
till I know why this road
A million miles away from anything familiar
what was it like to be so far from home
though you came in love
the world misunderstood you
there must have been some days when you felt so alone
but you endured, cause there was joy before you joy that came because you sacrificed
Since you gave yourself just to spend forever with me
surely I can trust you'll lead me through my darkest times
when I ask why....(chorus)
From here I can not see
why you'd choose this path for me
but I don't have to understand to believe
that you know why
You know why this road
why this way and this load
you know how far I must go till I see
till I know why this road
"If you want me to" By: Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
ya oh oh no
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness If You want me to
"Deliver Me" By: David Crowder Band
Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me
CHORUS:
All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through
Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, deliver me
Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through
"This Road" By: Ginny Owens
A million miles away from anything familiar
a thousand places I would rather be
so I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
in my heart I know your plan is so much bigger
but this small part is all that I can see
and I believe you haven’t left me here to wander
still I can't help but ponder where you're leading me
(chorus)
and I ask why this road
why this way
and this load
tell me how far must I go till I see
till I know why this road
A million miles away from anything familiar
what was it like to be so far from home
though you came in love
the world misunderstood you
there must have been some days when you felt so alone
but you endured, cause there was joy before you joy that came because you sacrificed
Since you gave yourself just to spend forever with me
surely I can trust you'll lead me through my darkest times
when I ask why....(chorus)
From here I can not see
why you'd choose this path for me
but I don't have to understand to believe
that you know why
You know why this road
why this way and this load
you know how far I must go till I see
till I know why this road
"If you want me to" By: Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
ya oh oh no
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness If You want me to
Thursday, March 20, 2008
100 things about Me
1. I was supposed to be a boy. My parents didn’t even have a girl name picked out. My sister named me. She was 5 years old.
2. I like to talk. I deal with things best by talking through them with someone.
3. I did 3 direct-sales businesses before settling on Tastefully Simple as the fourth and final.
4. I went to a Catholic school for 9 years of my life. I wouldn’t recommend it.
5. I wasn’t interested in my husband in "that way" when we first met.
6. I have burned through at least 3 computers in my time.
7. I would like to own a Mac one day.
8. I’ve finished two 5K’s in my lifetime.
9. One of those 5K’s was this past year. The other was high school.
10. I hate rap music and 93x.
11. I love reality tv.
12. I love anything on Bravo.
13.I hate shopping for clothes.
14. I was married 5 days before Christmas in 2003.
15. I was in labor for 13.5 hours.
16. I was in modeling for a few years.
17. At one time, I loved rap music.
18. My favorite movie is The Notebook.
19. I hate politics.
20. I have held a Koala Bear.
21. I have never been on a road trip longer than 5.5 hours.
22. I am a stay-at-home mom.
23. I have moved 6 times since high school (soon to be 7).
24. I have lived in 3 states.
25. I like fast-food.
26. I love junk food.
27. I hate Chipotle.
28. I like James Taylor, Phil Collins and Paul Simon.
29. I am surrounded by addictions (my own and others).
30. I hate songs as ring tones.
31. I go to Woodland Hills Church.
32. I love kickboxing.
33. I have only voted once in my life.
34. I loathe Amanda on this seasons American Idol.
35. If hate watching the news.
36. I was once in a spelling bee.
37. I weep over hurting people.
38. I have been accused of being a "drama queen".
39. I am deeply in love with my husband.
40. I want to live in a new state or country someday.
41. I like Diet Coke, but LOVE Mountain Dew. (Except for the coating it leaves on your teeth).
42. I cry every New Years when the ball drops.
43. I can eat peanut butter and frosting right out of the jars.
44. I like playing sports, but not watching them.
45. I love Caribou Coffee’s froo-froo drinks.
46. I have had two miscarriages.
47. I trust God, but I don’t try to always understand Him.
48. I used to be a mediator.
49. I first got my period when I was 9 years old.
50. I’ve lost my mind since having a baby.
51. I enjoy playing Texas Hold ’Em.
52. I like being indoors more than outdoors.
53. I hate scary movies.
54. I want to go back to college for teaching.
55. I don’t like wearing clothes, when I can help it.
56. I hate MN winters.
57. I think all politicans are untrustworthy.
58. My nickname is Amykinz.
59. I am annoyed by people who are "trying" too hard to be cool.
60. I have read maybe 2% of the books on my bookshelf.
61. My favorite alcholic drinks are wine, mojitos and long islands.
62. I’ve never had a guy buy me a drink.
63. I used to play deep in the woods and pretend things.
64. I believe dance is a sport.
65. I got away with whatever I wanted in high school.
66. I used to eat ketchup on my mac and cheese.
67. I am very anal-retentive, which is defined as someone who is overly obessed with minor details.
68. I have a would love to fluently speak Spanish.
69. I can not drink room temperature water - it must be ice cold.
70. I am the 38,521 consultant with Tastefully Simple.
71. I actually like watching the Vikings play football.
72. I have had a $400+ phone bill.
73. I think it would be fun to retrace Jesus’ steps one day and walk where he walked.
74. I love all my doctors.
75. I can’t keep a secret.
76. I want to try out for the church choir, but I’m intimidated.
77. I was in a sorority in college.
78. I graduated college in 3.5 years.
79. I have never been in a protest.
80. I love the tv show Scrubs.
81. My daughter makes me laugh, daily.
82. I competed in dance for two years.
83. I have had a gastrointestinal infection.
84. I enjoy trying new foods.
85. I like to aisle shop at stores for hours and yet, buy nothing.
86. I cant wait to grow old with Ben.
87. I think Will Ferrell is hilarious.
88. I have feared for my life.
89. I was disappointed when Christian won this past seasons Project Runway.
90. I have to sit up front at church because I get distracted by all the people in front of me.
91. I don’t own an ipod.
92. I have a very strong personality.
93. I have a short-fuse. (But, I am working on making it longer)
94. I have to be in the right mood to enjoy cooking.
95. I was distraught when Heath Ledger died.
96. I don’t know how anyone call kill a deer.
97. I have played softball, basketball, cheerleading, dance and kickboxing.
98. I miss playing Tetris Attack on the original Super Nintendo.
99. I am irritated by overly sensitive people.
100. I sometimes think putting on make-up is too much work.
2. I like to talk. I deal with things best by talking through them with someone.
3. I did 3 direct-sales businesses before settling on Tastefully Simple as the fourth and final.
4. I went to a Catholic school for 9 years of my life. I wouldn’t recommend it.
5. I wasn’t interested in my husband in "that way" when we first met.
6. I have burned through at least 3 computers in my time.
7. I would like to own a Mac one day.
8. I’ve finished two 5K’s in my lifetime.
9. One of those 5K’s was this past year. The other was high school.
10. I hate rap music and 93x.
11. I love reality tv.
12. I love anything on Bravo.
13.I hate shopping for clothes.
14. I was married 5 days before Christmas in 2003.
15. I was in labor for 13.5 hours.
16. I was in modeling for a few years.
17. At one time, I loved rap music.
18. My favorite movie is The Notebook.
19. I hate politics.
20. I have held a Koala Bear.
21. I have never been on a road trip longer than 5.5 hours.
22. I am a stay-at-home mom.
23. I have moved 6 times since high school (soon to be 7).
24. I have lived in 3 states.
25. I like fast-food.
26. I love junk food.
27. I hate Chipotle.
28. I like James Taylor, Phil Collins and Paul Simon.
29. I am surrounded by addictions (my own and others).
30. I hate songs as ring tones.
31. I go to Woodland Hills Church.
32. I love kickboxing.
33. I have only voted once in my life.
34. I loathe Amanda on this seasons American Idol.
35. If hate watching the news.
36. I was once in a spelling bee.
37. I weep over hurting people.
38. I have been accused of being a "drama queen".
39. I am deeply in love with my husband.
40. I want to live in a new state or country someday.
41. I like Diet Coke, but LOVE Mountain Dew. (Except for the coating it leaves on your teeth).
42. I cry every New Years when the ball drops.
43. I can eat peanut butter and frosting right out of the jars.
44. I like playing sports, but not watching them.
45. I love Caribou Coffee’s froo-froo drinks.
46. I have had two miscarriages.
47. I trust God, but I don’t try to always understand Him.
48. I used to be a mediator.
49. I first got my period when I was 9 years old.
50. I’ve lost my mind since having a baby.
51. I enjoy playing Texas Hold ’Em.
52. I like being indoors more than outdoors.
53. I hate scary movies.
54. I want to go back to college for teaching.
55. I don’t like wearing clothes, when I can help it.
56. I hate MN winters.
57. I think all politicans are untrustworthy.
58. My nickname is Amykinz.
59. I am annoyed by people who are "trying" too hard to be cool.
60. I have read maybe 2% of the books on my bookshelf.
61. My favorite alcholic drinks are wine, mojitos and long islands.
62. I’ve never had a guy buy me a drink.
63. I used to play deep in the woods and pretend things.
64. I believe dance is a sport.
65. I got away with whatever I wanted in high school.
66. I used to eat ketchup on my mac and cheese.
67. I am very anal-retentive, which is defined as someone who is overly obessed with minor details.
68. I have a would love to fluently speak Spanish.
69. I can not drink room temperature water - it must be ice cold.
70. I am the 38,521 consultant with Tastefully Simple.
71. I actually like watching the Vikings play football.
72. I have had a $400+ phone bill.
73. I think it would be fun to retrace Jesus’ steps one day and walk where he walked.
74. I love all my doctors.
75. I can’t keep a secret.
76. I want to try out for the church choir, but I’m intimidated.
77. I was in a sorority in college.
78. I graduated college in 3.5 years.
79. I have never been in a protest.
80. I love the tv show Scrubs.
81. My daughter makes me laugh, daily.
82. I competed in dance for two years.
83. I have had a gastrointestinal infection.
84. I enjoy trying new foods.
85. I like to aisle shop at stores for hours and yet, buy nothing.
86. I cant wait to grow old with Ben.
87. I think Will Ferrell is hilarious.
88. I have feared for my life.
89. I was disappointed when Christian won this past seasons Project Runway.
90. I have to sit up front at church because I get distracted by all the people in front of me.
91. I don’t own an ipod.
92. I have a very strong personality.
93. I have a short-fuse. (But, I am working on making it longer)
94. I have to be in the right mood to enjoy cooking.
95. I was distraught when Heath Ledger died.
96. I don’t know how anyone call kill a deer.
97. I have played softball, basketball, cheerleading, dance and kickboxing.
98. I miss playing Tetris Attack on the original Super Nintendo.
99. I am irritated by overly sensitive people.
100. I sometimes think putting on make-up is too much work.
Monday, March 17, 2008
It's Happening Again
Well, it's happening again. I just found out I'm going to lose the baby. No one knows what to say - they can't say anything - they can't do anything. I am numb to their words. I find myself wanting to eat to ease the pain. Then thinking about how I still look pregnant. How will I lose this weight and what do I tell people? I don't want to lose the weight - I want the baby! I've kept myself busy all day so I don't have to think about it. But, in the still of the night, the truth creeps in. You feel it in your bones and in your soul. The deep ache that I've tried not to feel. You feel "broken" - like you don't work properly as a woman. The pain is so intense that it just overflows from your toes our your eyes. I feel as though I'll never be able to stop crying - never be able to function properly again. I know it's not true - but this is how I feel at this moment of intensity. Everything is shaken - even your faith - "God, is this your way of telling me that I'm not to have anymore children? That I should be grateful with the one you've given me?" I'm sorry if this all sounds dramatic and dark - but I feel as though no one can possibly understand what this feels like right now - not even my husband. Maybe, just maybe, those women who've experienced what I am right now, might understand. Just maybe.
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