Monday, March 17, 2008

It's Happening Again

Well, it's happening again. I just found out I'm going to lose the baby. No one knows what to say - they can't say anything - they can't do anything. I am numb to their words. I find myself wanting to eat to ease the pain. Then thinking about how I still look pregnant. How will I lose this weight and what do I tell people? I don't want to lose the weight - I want the baby! I've kept myself busy all day so I don't have to think about it. But, in the still of the night, the truth creeps in. You feel it in your bones and in your soul. The deep ache that I've tried not to feel. You feel "broken" - like you don't work properly as a woman. The pain is so intense that it just overflows from your toes our your eyes. I feel as though I'll never be able to stop crying - never be able to function properly again. I know it's not true - but this is how I feel at this moment of intensity. Everything is shaken - even your faith - "God, is this your way of telling me that I'm not to have anymore children? That I should be grateful with the one you've given me?" I'm sorry if this all sounds dramatic and dark - but I feel as though no one can possibly understand what this feels like right now - not even my husband. Maybe, just maybe, those women who've experienced what I am right now, might understand. Just maybe.