It's been no secret that through this all, my faith has been tried. I've been scratching my head trying to put my finger on it. Needless to say, my relationship with God has been cut off since I found out I was going to miscarry. I wasn't sure why, until I finally met my "a-ha" moment yesterday afternoon at a friend's. It's funny how these moments hit you. We weren't even talking about the subject, really, when all of a sudden, I knew.
I attend a weekly mom's group at a church. Usually the sermons and small group/discussion times are excellent. This week wasn't. As soon as the other women started to share, I shut down. It was like torture listening to what they had to say. I had to keep myself under control, for wanting to bust out of my skin to flee the room. For once, I remained silent, not sharing anything this time. I love these women, so I didn't understand it.
After processing this in my head for a few hours, I finally realized the problem. I've been saying all along that I lost trust in God. How will I know if He will "show up" for me next time (if I even allow a next time to happen)? No one can promise me this. Boy, was I off! It wasn't God I didn't trust any longer - it was me!
First of all, what is this talk about God "showing up"? When did He leave? Where did He go? The truth is, He's never left my side. And the one time that I didn't have people here to care for me, I was left in silence to deal with myself and to deal with...God. He was there - I felt it for the first time since all this started. But, it was too painful. I couldn't deal with it. I pushed Him away. I caused a distraction. It just hurt too much to let God in. I needed to stay angry with Him. But why?
And here's the "a-ha". If I stay mad at God, I don't have to allow Him to speak to me anymore. See, all these women at my mom's group were talking of how God spoke to them at one time or another in their life. I got angry. I wanted to shout, "Yeah right. How do you KNOW that was God? You don't know! None of us know! It's probably all just in your head or a coincidence." WHAT?! Who is this person I've become? You see, I believed when I was pregnant, that I had "heard" from God. The verse John 10:10 was heavy on my heart and I prayed it over my pregnancy constantly. I shared with others that "God gave me this verse" and that He was going to give this baby life and life to the fullest. When it didn't happen, I was mad. I even said, "God made me look like a fool." The truth is: I didn't lose trust in God, I lost trust in myself to hear from God correctly. And I didn't want to be put in a position, to have to hear from Him again, for fear that I would "hear wrong".
The truth and moral of the story is: God DID give me that verse, but it was for reasons that were different than I thought. My personal belief, is that God knew what was coming. God knew that we were losing the battle for Haven and He was preparing my heart. He wanted me to know that HIS heart was for Haven to live. That He did NOT take this baby. That He was fighting with me TO THE END for Haven's life. And when we lost (not eternally, thankfully) this present battle and He wanted to share in the tears and hold me, I couldn't let Him in, because then I would have to acknowledge all of this.
And now that I am acknowledging, I am weeping as I type. Oh Lord, please forgive me. Please forgive me for pushing you away when I needed you most. Please forgive me for blaming you, when I know better. Please forgive me for my selfish heart - to shut off the ability to listen to you. You are the healer. You are the lover of life. You are the ultimate forgiver. You are my God. And it feels so good to claim that once again! I love you Lord!