If I'm honest, it's tough. It's not always easy. I do question. I do get angry. I do not understand.
But, the answer is quite simple. Hope.
If I do not have hope in something greater than this world (remember this world has told me my illnesses are incurable), hope in something greater than my sicknesses, hope in something greater than my understanding...then it would be all too easy to curl up in a ball and call it quits.
This is hard for me to write today, as tears stream down my face, as the last few days have been tough for me.
See, about once a month I get into a "funk". I let the depression take over and I allow myself to have my own little pity party. I don't get out of bed for awhile. I self-loath. Woe is me.
While I do think, to some degree, it's therapeutic to allow yourself to feel these feelings from time to time, it's crucial to assure that you don't stay there.
I know it would be so much easier to stay there. Stay in my bed where I can't fight with my husband, yell at my kids, make poor choices for my health. Easier, but not fulfilling. And not fair to the world and to the people who need me, who need what I have to offer.
And no, I usually can't peel myself out of my bed. I need Jesus. I need the hope that He promises.
He's been pulling at me for the past few days. Weeks. Months even. But sometimes I turn my head and pretend I can't hear Him. Easier, right?
But now I'm ready. I'm ready to get out of this rut. I'm ready to get back to who He says I am. I'm ready for His strength and His hope to pull me through.
So, how, you ask? How do I know He's pulling at me?
First, a church service two weeks ago, titled, "Confident in Doubt." The pastor pointed out that many times people walk away from Jesus for the following reasons:
- He doesn't answer our prayer how and when we want
- He offends us and/or
- He doesn't meet our expectations.
Second, I've been reading a Joseph Prince one-year devotional on YouVersion. There was one from this week and the verse was from Matthew 6:27 - And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? A few of the key points from Joseph Prince's commentary on this:
- Worrying robs you of sleep, health and many good years.
- When you worry, you are actually believing that the devil has the power to make inroads into your life and that God can not protect you.
- In the face of health issues claim, "Jesus is my healer. I receive my healing. I am healed. I rest in God completely."
- When you refused to worry, but choose to rest in the finished work of Christ, you will see the manifestation of your blessing. You will see your miracle!
Third, last Christmas, my beloved friend Janelle hosted a Christmas tea for the All Things New team. She made these beautiful cards which were uniquely decorated on the outside and on the inside contained a love note from God taken from the devotional by Sheri Rose Shepherd, "His Princess: Love Letters From Your King." The card I grabbed was red with three beautiful hearts on the outside. The verse was from Deuteronomy 20:4 NIV, "For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory." Key points from the love letter:
- You are brave and courageous.
- I (God) don't want you to exhaust yourself fighting in your own strength.
- As long as you stand behind Me (God) and let Me fight for you, there is nothing that can or will overtake you.
- I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU!
See? God's been pulling. And I'll bet He's been pulling at you, too. Have you been listening? Do you recognize His voice?
Dear Holy God,
I confess, I have not been living as the person who you have said that I am. I confess that I have been looking at my circumstances, instead of at You. I confess that I have, yet again, let the pain of my situation get the best of Me. Please forgive me, Lord. I will not walk away from You. My hope is in You, Jesus. Holy Spirit, help me to not worry about my health problems anymore. Help me to prepare and live my life as though my miracle of total healing has taken place today, this very moment! Jesus, you are my healer. I receive my healing. I am healed. I am healthy. I am whole, in you, Lord! I am ready for my miracle, just as you healed the woman in Mark 5:25-34!!! You said, God, in Jeremiah 30:17 that You will restore me to health and heal my wounds. I believe you, Lord, for You are the One who healed my marriage, healed my infertility and You can heal this, too! Thank you, God; thank you, for making me brave and courageous in You. I'm tired and exhausted from fighting in my own strength, yet once again. I lay it all down at the foot of the cross, Jesus. Thank you for fighting for me. Thank you for believing that I am worth fighting for.
Your Forever Servant,