The past few weeks have been that of personal growth. Well, the past 27 years have been that of personal growth - but the past two weeks have been more of slapped across the face, dig my heels in - kind of growth.
It all stems back to a seventeen year-old girl, madly in love with a twenty-two year old boy. I say boy, because that's what he was. He wasn't a man at all. She was in love with a patholigical liar - a cheater - a goergous man! One day, this girl caught this man with another woman. A lot happened that day to that girl. But, probably the most important thing that happened was that this girl decided that who she was, wasn't good and wasn't enough. That girl silenced her voice. She ate to escape the voice. She drank to escape the voice. She became premiscious to silence the voice and get revenge. But, she was only making matters worse. Fast-forward ten years. This woman is realizing she silenced that girl. For the past ten years, she looked to others to have them tell her who she was. What wasn't "okay" about her, she changed to please them. If they didn't like her, it wasn't her fault...it wasn't her responsibility - she was only being what they wanted her to be. She couldn't be hurt, if she was being what everyone else wanted her to be. If she started to let the voice through and it got shot down...she took what was said about it her and made it true - even if it wasn't. This girl eventually did get married and had a baby girl. But it only made matters worse. The lies she'd been telling herself about who she was, were reinforced and she eventually lost herself altogether. She began blaming her husband for her depressed moods and why she was so unhappy. She gained 30+ lbs, stopped showering and brushing her teeth, stopped dying her hair and cutting it cute and never wore make-up. Until one day...she couldn't handle it anymore. She realized she didn't love herself and never had. She realized some things...
She wasn't unhappy because of her husband. She was unhappy because she stopped taking care of herself and she stopped feeling good about herself. So, she made an appointment to get her hair dyed and cut real cute. She didn't do it for anyone but herself this time. Her therapist said, "I really like your hair", but she thought in her head for the first time, "I really like my hair, too, and isn't that ulimately what matters?"
She needed to give that seventeen-year old girl inside of her a voice! She needed to quite the negative voice of others and start listening for the voice inside of her head that was telling her all along who she truly was!
So, y'all - it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out this story is mine. I own it. I'm telling you it, because you're going to start seeing a different me. You're not going to see the collage of who you all have made me become anymore. You're going to start seeing ME! The real ME!
So, first thing's first... To that twenty-two year old boy...I never had closure. I never got to tell you how much you messed up my life. So, here it goes (deep breath) - I'm glad it was worth it. I'm glad you married the girl and have a family. At least it was worth it. You caused me a 10 year detour in my life of discovering who I am. You crushed my heart, my spirit and my soul. You played me like a fine violin, but the music wasn't so sweet. You also taught me a lot. You taught me not to trust people...particularily men. You taught me that I wasn't good enough, there were things wrong with me. I wasn't worth it. For ten years, I've carried this burden and I ready to lay it down. I'm ready to forgive you and take my memories and stop looking back, but look forward with a high head and smile on my face. No longer will I look back on you and be sad, depressed, angry, etc. I just wanted you to know...you really were all those things they said you were. And I truly hope, you've become a man now.
So, who am I? This is the journey I'm on now. I know a few things...I'm a truck girl. I love trucks! I don't want a wimpy car - I want a truck - a pretty truck. A truck that lets me be a woman, but let's me embrace my truckness. :) I'm a truck girl! I'm also passionate - as I said earlier. Some people mistake my passion for drama - it's not. This is who I am and you can't take that away from me. I love photography. I love taking pictures of things on a larger scale that we see everyday, but take for granted. For instance, taking a leaf or a flower and enlarging it. Looking at the details, the lines, the color pigmentations, the beauty of it - in it's entirety. I don't want to take it for granted anymore...God gave it me to enjoy and I want to enjoy it in it's fullness.
You can't enjoy something in it's fullness, until you can enjoy every last intimate detail of it's creation and beauty.
So, this is my journey...to show the world, who I am and all the intimate details of me as a creation and my beauty. So, the world can enjoy me in my fullness.